Emotional Wellness During the Season

My breath is shaking. I force myself to steady my gaze, and as the last notes of Miserere Nobis come through the theater, I release my hands from their places on my shoulders and bow my head. The lights fade. 

Applause begins. I wait, my breath still uneven. And then I hear the dancers beside me standing up, and hastily I stand with them, clasp each of their hands in the dark. The lights come back on. We bow our heads twice, as Miserere calls for a somber bow, and exit the stage. 

It is over. Backstage, I walk down the brightly lit, narrow hallway. Around us, other dancers and stage hands murmur, "beautiful" and "good job, guys!" 

I am still trying to steady my breath, adjust to the light. To the fact that the season is finally over.

When I was young, one professional dancer I knew gave me some incredible advice. We had just finished a grueling Nutcracker season, and I was feeling completely drained. 

She explained to me that during a show, the performer's brain releases bursts of adrenaline at a rate that is much higher than normal. So after several weeks of shows, you've drained your body's adrenaline supply which adds to the physical exhaustion that comes at the end of a season. 

The dance is about anger, loss, and forgiveness. We wear long black skirts and red tights, our feet emerging blood red beneath the hems of the skirts when we dance. The music is Allegri's "Miserere," a hauntingly somber chorus of female voices. 

I have never peformed something with such an intense subject matter in such an intimate theater. With the audience so close to us, our acting has to be impeccable. Jennifer also is known for coaching her dancers to be actors as well. 

After performing this piece every evening, I have found that I am in an extremely vulnerable emotional place. Today, one dancer, whom I shall refer to as AM, told me, "at one point I looked at you and saw the emotion on your face. You looked like you were about to cry. So I almost started to cry. I had to say to myself, A, hold it together!" 

The comment was both a compliment on my acting — which made me very proud — and also an observation about how the dancing the piece in such an intensely emotional place messes with our control. 

For the next few weeks, I am going to be extremely careful and aware of that emotional exhaustion, and try to get some rest after the season is over.